Left Behind
by The-Lady-Smaell
Summary: Kakashi returns from a mission to some disturbing news. Angst Character death and general sadness


**EDIT 2/9/11: I entered this into a 'Construcivism' workshop on deviant art and am correcting a few points that were commented on. No major changes, just a few small additions.**

A/N: Um... see end.

Warnings: Angst, Character death. (OMG I killed someone).

Disclaimer: Not mine. But I can dream.

Left Behind.

The hospital never changed, at least not to Kakashi. The air always stank of anti-septic and felt sterile in his lungs. The corridors always hummed with the sound of the numerous machines supporting those trapped within the walls. And the medics had a sense of tightly coiled action about them, as though they were ready to spring into action at any moment.

However today everything seemed different.

The whole hospital had seemed to still to a complete halt. Silence permeated every atom, every molecule and Kakashi felt himself being suffocated as though being sucked into a vacuum. He couldn't understand why he'd been asked to come here, all he'd known was that as soon as he'd walked through the gate an ANBU had met him and said that Tsunade had wanted to speak with him.

So here he was looking for the Hokage and the longer he stalked the deathly silent corridors the more uneasy he felt. Finally after what seemed like a small eternity the Copy-nin caught sight of a familiar blonde head and he quickened his pace to catch up with the woman.

Sensing the man's presence Tsunade slowed to a halt and turned to face the Jounin. Her usual bright amber eyes were dulled and red rimmed, as though she'd been crying. But that was impossible, Tsunade was the Hokage, the most elite of shinobi, she didn't show her emotions.

A trickle of something unnameable filtered through Kakashi's consciousness.

"Hokage-sama."

Tsunade nodded, seemingly unable to trust her voice in reply and motioned for the man to follow her. The silver-haired man followed the blonde into one of the many side offices and Tsunade locked the door behind them. Slowly she turned to Kakashi and swallowed deeply, knowing the words that what she was about to say could break the man.

"He's gone Kakashi."

There wasn't a single flicker of emotion from the Jounin, not even a hint that the words had sunk in. Kakashi knew she could only be talking about one person but couldn't find it in him to react, not because he didn't care because he truly did, he just couldn't shake the numerous decades of shinobi training. He had been trained for this eventuality and he would act accordingly, it was the easiest way.

"How?" He asked calmly and quietly as though he hadn't heard the words spoken.

Guilt flashed through Tsunade's eyes, guilt more prominent than sending a man to his death on a mission. Not that Iruka went on many missions he was generally needed in the village more. Kakashi felt an ugly emotion rear its head; there was certainly something he was missing here.

"I'm sorry, so very, very sorry Kakashi"

"_How." _The word was growled.

"It was Chakra sickness."

Chakra sickness, a disease that could bring even the strongest ninja to their knees. The Jounin tried to banish the image of Iruka being torn inside out and poisoned by his own chakra but it was difficult, he had the whole damn seminar recorded in his head thanks to the Sharingan. The images of cells being obliterated, organs being strained and blood slowly being poisoned by the users own life-force as it ran through the body, ran behind the ruby eye burning into the silver-haired man's soul. It was horrific, both paradoxical and cruel, a mockery of a disease due to the actual trigger of an imbalance of the physical energy in the users chakra. Such a tiny, insignificant change but the ramifications were devastating, deadly and incurable.

Kakashi felt his anger drain and his eyes widened slightly at the thought of his gentle lover being diagnosed with such a monstrosity.

"How long..."

"About a year, he made me swear not to tell you, said it would distract you from doing your duty." The self-loathing and regret was obvious in the blondes strained voice.

The silver-haired Jounin felt himself reeling at the revelation, how had he not noticed the changes in Iruka? Had he been so wrapped up in his duty that he'd failed to notice his lovers waning health. The brunette had seemed a little more tired in recent months, but other than that he hadn't seemed any different from usual. Or maybe he just hadn't looked close enough; never really worried for the man's wellbeing because he thought Iruka was safe in the village.

"Oh." Was all the reply he could muster, his ignorance momentarily sickening him before returning to his composed state.

Again Tsunade's piercing gaze swept over him and her eyes narrowed at the lack of response.

"Are you okay Kakashi?"

A silver eyebrow arched in nonchalance "I'm fine Hokage-sama. Is there anything else you need me for?"

The blonde couldn't suppress her shock at the man's seemingly unfeeling reaction. He'd just found out that his partner of several years had died and had been lying to him for over a year about his condition. Surely that warranted some kind of emotional response? But the man in front of her was as stoic and as bored looking as ever. Tsunade was utterly aghast, Hokage or not she would have been at least a little distraught and more than a little angry. The lack of emotion and detachment was disconcerting. Sensing that he was permitted to take his leave Kakashi turned to the locked door. He stopped as a warm hand grasped his arm. Amber eyes met the single grey and the Hokage held out her other hand to the copy-nin.

"He wanted you to have this."

She opened her hand revealing a simple silver key with a tag attached. Kakashi furrowed his brow as he accepted the token and read the address written on the tag, it appeared to be for one of those storage lockers in the civilian district. Confused at the token Kakashi ran a hand through his flyaway hair.

"I don't understand."

Tsunade shook her head "Me either, but it may hold some answers for you. I-Iruka said you were the only person allowed to enter and afterwards it was up to you."

The Jounin closed his hand around the small key and nodded once before disappearing from the room in a swirl of smoke and leaves. As the dust settled Tsunade sighed and rubbed at her eyes, hoping that she wouldn't be mourning the loss of another of her most trusted shinobi.

Kakashi reappeared in a deserted street and waited a second as the chakra smoke and leaves dispersed. The street was dimly lit and the single lamppost flickered sporadically giving the whole area a dilapidated feel. Slowly he turned to the row of storage lockers confusion still running rife through his brain. Just what had Iruka hoped to achieve by sending him here? The brunette certainly had a way about him and his ability to be mysterious yet sincere was one of the things that had drawn the silver-haired man to Iruka in the first place. The Sensei had intrigued him with his contradictions and unique outlook on life and his Intrigue turned into desire, and desire into love, and before Kakashi even knew it the brunette was an integral part of his life.

The Jounin paused as he reminisced for the briefest of seconds before quickly setting to the task at hand of finding the right storage container. A task made near enough impossible in the flickering lamplight, on a night where even the stars seemed to be mourning by snuffing out their usual glow. After much trial and error (and the odd improvised jutsu) Kakashi found the locker he was looking for and slipped the key into the lock, hesitating before unlocking the steel shutter and pulling it upwards.

Inside the room was dark and the silver-haired man stumbled forward groping for the seemingly impossibly positioned light switch. The small enclosed space seemed to be fraught with obstacles and Kakashi was convinced that if it weren't for his ninja training he would have landed flat on his face.

Finally managing to locate the elusive light switch the copy-ninja flicked on the light and felt a gasp rise in his chest.

All around him were packages of all, shapes, sizes, colours and descriptions. Kakashi's natural eye widened in disbelief at the sheer quantity of gifts. At least that was what he assumed them to be, the colourful yet tasteful paper adorning each of the packages kind of giving their intention away. Feeling suddenly uneasy the silver-haired man moved forward and grasped the first gift he came to gently tugging at the label, turning it to see whom it was for.

_To Kakashi_

_Happy 35th birthday._

_Love Iruka_

He placed the gift down not wanting to open it until it was the right time and moved forward into the valley of packages. Each of the gifts was labelled similarly, either addressed to himself or Naruto. Some were for birthdays others for Christmas, there was even one to celebrate Naruto's inauguration as Hokage. He checked every single one of them and as every birthday, every special occasion passed before him Kakashi felt his heart inexplicably tighten in his chest. He finally made it to the back of the storage room, his unemotional facade and cool acceptance at his lover's death beginning to waiver. At the back of the room was a simple table empty except for a single item. The gaudy orange cover of what appeared to be an Icha Icha book at first glance glared up from the table and Kakashi couldn't help but indulge in a sad but wistful smile.

He slowly picked up the book and opened it to the first page, his tightening heart and almost crushing itself as he gazed at the last message Iruka would ever leave him.

_Kakashi,_

_If you are reading this then the sickness has taken a hold and I have gone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my illness, the time never seemed to be right and I truly didn't want you to worry. You had more important things to be concerned with than the health of one man. You had the honour and pride of Konoha resting on your shoulders and that was enough stress for you to handle._

_And I never would have forgiven myself had I caused you to fall._

_I know you must be feeling betrayed but I only did what I did because I love you, I will always love you. I know I didn't tell you all that often but I truly do. You always had a smart-alec remark or a sarcastic comment to make me laugh and want to tear my hair out at the same time. __I know it seems silly saying it here and not to your face but if I had you never would have let me live it down._

_I'm rambling I know, there is so much so much I want to say but it all seems so trivial. So I'll just__ keep it short and__ say this._

_Be strong my love, use this to keep me close to your heart and know that I will always be with you. Remember the times we had but don't dwell on my passing. Continue to move forward as you always do__ strong and unafraid._

_All my love,_

_Iruka_

Kakashi read the message several times his grip on the book tightening each time the message. Finally registering the words the silver-haired man flicked over the page and for a single second his heart actually stopped. What he had assumed to be an Icha Icha was actually a small photo album filled to the brim with photos of himself and Iruka. There were a few with other people such as Naruto in, but the bulk of them were just the two of them. His flipped through the pages absorbing every image as though it were the first time, although in some cases it was. When and more importantly _who_ had taken them all?

He came to the end of the book and stared at the final photo, his heart once again stopping as he gazed at the familiar visage staring back at him. It was a picture of their first kiss at Naruto's 18th birthday party, he used the term 'kiss' loosely. He had somehow gotten very drunk (a challenge with Gai sprang to mind) and been dared by some random Jounin to accost the Sensei. So thinking it was a good idea at the time he'd done so unaware that the blonde troublemaker had been lying in wait with a camera and had gleefully taken the snap. However what Kakashi hadn't been expecting was the brunette to accost him later in the evening. The action had led to an interesting conversation and had ended up with him passed out at Iruka's apartment.

_Splish _

Kakashi was brought out of his memories by a warm wetness splashing against his hand. Confused he gazed at the dewdrop of moisture staining the protective layer over the photograph, raising his free hand to swipe at the clear liquid. It smelled salty.

_Splish _

Another bead of liquid joined its brother on the page, and Kakashi's confusion increased these lockers were meant to be water tight so where was the water coming from? Suddenly feeling tired he rubbed at his exposed eye and froze as he felt moisture coat the skin of his hand.

_He was crying? He hadn't cried in almost twenty years._

Every emotion he had pushed aside, ignored or simply repressed bubbled to the surface with the power of a tempest, causing Kakashi's thin frame to shake under the strain. He sank to his knees clutching the orange tome to his chest as tears began to flow freely, the magnitude of pain and loss finally registering in his mind.

Iruka was gone.

Iruka was _gone._

A wounded sob tore at his throat as the copy-ninja crumbled leaving just Kakashi, the man, behind. He rocked against the table as the pain consumed him, trying to cling onto the happier times but each of the gifts surrounding him serving to remind him of what he'd lost. Trying to move away from the fact that another of his precious people was gone.

Trying but failing miserably.

Finally giving himself over to grief the silver-haired man let the darkness of loss take him and he cried himself to sleep.

The next morning Tsunade entered the locker looking as haggard as the night before and upon spotting the Jounin she silently made her way to his side. Lifting the tear stained face onto her lap she combed her fingers through the filthy hair in a motherly fashion.

"Oh Kakashi..." Her was voice rough with regret.

~End~

A/N: Another explanation in order methinks. This has been loitering on my little laptop for a while and I've been determined to get it finished. It's taken a lot of inspiration from the series 'The big C'. More accurately the last five minutes of the season. If you've watched you'll understand, if not it's not that important. However I would recommend it, it's a very good series.

Reviewers get cookies.

Right now that angsty Boris has stopped biting me... I can get on with my real fics.


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